What Hurts The Most
by Twitz
Summary: Jesse Aarons tells us what hurts the most for him after Leslie died. This isn't a songfic. Oneshot. Review please!


Disclaimer: I don't and will never own Bridge to Terabithia. It's Katherine Paterson's and her son; no one will ever own it. I'm just borrowing Jess and Leslie for this one shot story of mine. By the way, this isn't a songfic. ^^

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What Hurts The Most**_

"So, looks like you're the fastest kid in class now, huh?" Hoager whispered, more like shouted. I stood up and faced him, preparing a full-blow punch.

"H-hey! It's a joke dude!" He apologized, but I didn't listen. I punched his jaw line as he landed on his butt.

"Are you nuts?!" He shouted at me. I didn't care. Why should I?

"Jess Aarons! Go wait for me out the hall." Monster-Mouth Myers ordered me. The frown never left my face and the somewhat little tinge of happiness and contentment of having punched Hoager remained in my system for some time as I walked out the door.

"Silent reading until I get back." I heard Monster-Mouth Myers say as she followed me outside.

After I heard the door being closed, I leaned my back on the wall, not caring if she'd give me detention for what I did. I put my hands inside my pocket. Okay, shoot. I don't care what you say.

"Jess…" she started. It was the first time I heard that kind of intensity in her voice… it was gentle.

"When my husband died, people kept telling me not to cry," she continued. I wanted to say something, but immediately shut my mouth as I felt hot tears about to erupt from my already swollen eyes. "People kept helping me to forget," she paused. Our eyes met. I pitied her for a moment, wanted to say sorry about her husband, although it never once crossed my mind about her having one at all. "But I didn't want to forget…" tears now slid from eyes down to her wrinkled face, "I'm sorry…" she apologized to me as she retrieved a hanky from her pocket. "Things that girl came up with," she said as she sniffed, I sniffed as well. I couldn't hold the tears anymore, too bad I didn't bring a hanky with me that day. "I don't get students like her too often," after saying this, I looked again at her, fighting back the tears as I remembered my best friend. "So I realized… if it's hard for me, how much harder it must be for you?"

I just stared at her for the longest time. Part of me wanted to shout and part of me wanted to comfort her. But I felt my knees going weak and I was unable to open my mouth and say something. I found it funny too that there we were outside the classroom that day, talking and crying over Leslie Burke. It seemed funny in a way, because that day I didn't want to believe that she was dead.

Dead.

Gone.

Forever.

It was all too fast. Way too fast. I didn't even have a chance to properly say goodbye to her before that day… I thought that if I got her upset for not inviting her to the museum with me, I could just make it up with something. Maybe another dog or so… But I didn't expect her life to be the one taken from me by not inviting her with me that day. Why did she have to go alone that day? Of course, Leslie was a strong girl. She always did things on her own – that is before she came here in Lark Creek, while I was just a dumb farmer boy who couldn't make friends. Leslie _was_ good at making friends. She was good at conversations. The irony is just that she didn't _make_ any. Just me, but I was rude to her at first. It's just now that I feel guilty about it. I could've been just nice to her, but my pride swelled when she beat me during the race, in which I had prepared myself for the whole summer back then. I hate her since that day. I already hated too many persons. My dad, my mom, my two snotty elder sisters, May Belle, and Joyce Ann. Even if May Belle was always kind to me, I never really did like her that much. She was just a nuisance to me. And my dad? Well, he never acted like one to me at all. He never kissed me good night or tucked me in bed like what he did to May Belle and Joyce Ann. I'm only human, so it was natural for me to envy them, even at the young age of thirteen years old back then. When I thought my life would be forever dull, Leslie Burke came into my life.

She made me feel human once again… When I thought I'd turn into one of those trolls in my drawings. She made me feel loved for the first time after being neglected and teased all those years. She made me feel special when I thought I was just an outcast. She didn't befriend me out of pity. She befriended me because she _needed_ me, and I needed her too. Sometimes that word can be something selfish, but most of the times, it's just plain innocent. Leslie needed someone who could understand her for what she was, while I needed someone who could love me, although not the romantic kind of love, for we were both too young then.

Leslie Burke was the most extraordinary person I've ever met. I doubt meeting someone like her again. Why did someone so special and perfect like her have to be taken so soon? From what I can understand back then, God took people back to His Kingdom when their mission in life was done. Before, I always asked myself _what_ exactly was her mission. She was too young to be even assigned to one. Had she completed that mission, or failed it? If ever God _did_ give her one.

When my father told me that day back at the forest when I thought I was being chased by the Dark Master himself, I never did forget the words he told me when I lay in his arms, crying hard over my loss. Blaming myself, blaming God. But my father's words reached me for the first time. Leslie brought something special when she came here in Lark Creek, and that's what I owe her a lot to. My father told me that that was how I could keep her alive. I thought about it for weeks. Weeks eventually turned into months. What did she do that made my father say it was special? It's not like I had changed or anything.

It was the day of Leslie's first death anniversary when Bill and Judy came back here in Lark Creek. It was obvious from their faces that traces of pain were still present. They asked me if I wanted to go with them to visit her grave. I wanted to say no at first. Just when I had finally put her somewhere at the back of my mind, they came. But I said yes anyway. They asked if May Belle could go as well since she and Leslie were friends too, but I told them she had a school play that day. So it was just me and the Burke's.

Looking at her tomb stone was the hardest thing I had ever done. Months earlier, I never stopped hoping that maybe it was all just a bad dream, a bad joke. I thought that maybe the Burke's lied to me about her being dead so that they could go back to the city and make it easy for me and Leslie to say goodbye, but I said to myself, 'Hey Jess, this isn't like one of her fantasy stories. This is reality. And as her King, she wants you to be strong for her'.

So short. _Too short._

I can't believe she's gone for a year now. When I first looked at her grave, I felt like being punched by Scroagers and pinched by Vulchers. It hurt way too much than what I expected. But I'm pretty sure that the pain she felt when she hit her head on the rocks was unbearable than what I had felt that day. I was even selfish to dare compare it with her pain. Tears just slid from my eyes that day. I didn't sob. Leslie would've probably laughed at me if she saw me that day. I remembered laughing that day as I thought of her. Sweet, young, innocent Leslie. Her death was the biggest loss in my entire life. I tried to figure out what my dad meant by his words. That Leslie gave me something special. But up until that day, I still didn't figure it out.

And here I am, standing before her grave, almost bawling my eyes out. Her third death anniversary. Bill and Judy must have been here hours ago since there are flowers and some Oreos. Bill and Judy weren't exactly the people who'd believe that spirits would still long for the things or food they used to use or eat when they were still alive. But the things that Leslie had told them every time we went home from church before must have been implanted in their minds. Especially after she died. I now kneel before her grave. If only she were alive, I would have probably done this to propose to her. My Queen. A couple of days ago, after thinking a lot about her, dad's words finally reached me. The thing that Leslie gave me.

Courage.

Leslie gave me courage. Why did I notice it before? After I had known her, I became much bolder and braver, in my own little ways.

Kneeling before you, Leslie, I want to profess my love for you. I'm sorry that it's just now that I'm telling you this. I still had to muster my confidence before actually telling you. Of course there are lots of pretty girls here in Lark Creek, but I didn't like any one of them. You've always held a special place here in my heart, and that will never change. If ever I marry some other girl someday, I'll still be in love with you. In a way that only you and me know.

I know I could have told you this sooner. But I just had to be so blind that time. I just had to deny the fact that I developed feelings for you… I was scared.

But what hurts the most, was not telling you when you were still alive, when I had the many chances.

You were so close,

And I just had to be so far.

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Do you like it? It's quite angsty :). Drop me a review if you like this._


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